Why Feedback is the Secret to a Stronger Family

Giving and receiving feedback is essential to the health and growth of any culture, including your family’s. And yet, many of us avoid it. It’s not easy. It requires humility, vulnerability, and practice.

Our family does an annual 360 peer review (I’ve talked about it HERE), uses questions similar to those found in workplace evaluations. These conversations help us reflect on how we’re doing both individually and together. They're not always comfortable, but the insight we gain is invaluable.

I’ll be honest: I don’t always want to hear what others think about me.

But without honest and timely feedback, we miss opportunities to grow. When done well, feedback doesn’t harm relationships—it strengthens them.

Why Feedback Feels So Hard

When we hear feedback—or what we perceive as criticism—our brains go into protection mode. We might get defensive, dismiss it, or refuse to believe it. But when we react this way, the people in our family may feel unheard or undervalued.

If instead we learn to welcome feedback and receive it well, we create a home culture where growth is possible—for each person and for the family as a whole.

Feedback Reveals What We Can’t See

We need feedback because we all have blind spots. Without input from others, it’s hard to know what’s working—and what’s not.

I remember the first time we asked our kids for feedback. We expected the usual: less bickering, better time management. But what surprised us were comments like:
“Push me to learn and manage my time better.”
“Be more strict—to help me meet my goals.”
“Tell me to practice more.”

Yikes. I thought I was being supportive by taking it easy. But what they really needed was accountability and structure. Because we were open, we could adjust and create a plan that served everyone better.

Feedback Doesn’t Equal Failure

Hearing something less than flattering doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact, the most effective leaders seek feedback to grow. We should do the same in our homes.

Andy Stanley puts it this way:
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.”
We don’t want that. We want our kids to feel safe enough to tell us what they need.

How to Receive Feedback Well

Here are four practices that can help:

1. Change how you think about it.
Feedback isn’t negative—it’s an opportunity to grow. When you shift your mindset, you’ll stop dreading it and start welcoming it.

2. Separate the do from the who.
Feedback is about behavior, not identity. Don’t take it as a personal attack—it’s a tool for learning.

3. Ask clarifying questions.
Vague questions lead to vague answers. Try asking, “What’s one thing I could do better in this area?” or simply say, “Tell me more.”

4. Invite feedback often.
The more regularly you ask for feedback, the easier it gets. Don’t wait for things to go wrong—make it a consistent part of your family’s rhythm.

Also, pay attention to what makes you defensive. That’s often a clue to where growth is needed most.

Try This Today

If you want to grow in this area, ask yourself:
“On a scale of 1–10, how open am I to receiving feedback?”
Then ask someone you trust:
“If you had one suggestion for how I could improve, what would it be?”

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Using Peer Reviews to Strengthen Family Connection and Improve Your Relationships

My husband works for a company that conducts peer reviews. Alongside his annual performance evaluation from supervisors, he also receives feedback from coworkers on his communication, collaboration, and leadership skills. It provides a well-rounded view of how he presents himself at work and is a valuable tool for growth.

It got me thinking: could something like this work in our home?

I was curious how our kids viewed us as parents. Were there needs we weren't meeting, not material ones, but things like affection, grace, or connection? Each child is uniquely wired, with their own personality and love language. Even when we think we're loving them well, they may experience it differently.

I also wondered how they viewed each other. Were they treating one another with kindness when we weren't watching? Were we truly living out our family's mission and values?

As someone who loves team-building and personal development, I got excited about the idea. But I knew these conversations wouldn't happen on their own. We'd need to create a space that felt safe, intentional, and focused—so I planned a family retreat.

How I Prepared

🔹 Created a family version of a 360 Peer Review

Each of us received a packet with questions about ourselves, our family as a whole, and each of our members.

🔹 Booked a nearby hotel

We found a Groupon deal for a two-night stay just 20 minutes from home. It had a pool and was near restaurants and shopping.

🔹 Packed the essentials plus:

• Discussion sheets

• Pens and pencils

• A board game and playing cards

• Swimsuits

• Picnic blanket

• Snacks and water bottles

What We Did

🔸 Blended discussions with fun activities and treats

We started with dinner and filled out one of the surveys. Back at the hotel, we swam and played a board game. The next morning, we tackled another round of questions and then went to a local park to share our answers. We kept mixing things up—games, snacks, more discussion, Frappuccinos, and mini golf.

Yes, there were a few squabbles, but overall, it was a blast. The kids were excited (mainly about the pool and hotel stay) and appreciated having our full attention.

What I'd Do Differently

🔸 Limit discussions to 30–45 minutes

I underestimated our kids' attention span. They were eager to fill out the surveys but lost focus during the conversations. We ended up switching to a "lightning round" format—reading a question and answering quickly—which helped keep energy high.

🔸 Research restaurants and activities ahead of time

While we eventually found good food and a park, we wasted time driving around. Planning would've made the weekend smoother—and allowed us to include an outdoor adventure from our summer bucket list.

🔸 Create and follow a schedule

I had a general plan, but not a timeline. Having a set schedule helped us stay on track and make time for everything. We got a late start on Day One and didn't get to all the conversations we'd hoped to have.

Next Steps

🔹 Organize the feedback

Most of what we heard didn't come as a surprise. The big themes? Less bickering, being on time, and more quality time together. We also got some insightful requests:

"Push me to manage my time better."

"Be more strict so I meet my goals."

"Tell me to practice more."

My husband and I are reviewing the responses and organizing them into actionable insights. We'll look for common threads, create a plan for areas of improvement, and double down on what's working.

🔹 Follow up

In six months, we'll check in with each child one-on-one. Are we making progress as a family? Are we showing up for them the way they asked us to? Are they growing in the character traits we discussed?

🔹 Save the date for the next retreat

We had a ton of fun, but more importantly, we created space for each person's voice to be heard. It didn't spark overnight transformation, but it planted seeds. Real change happens in small, steady steps. The key is to keep the conversation going.

Have you ever done a family retreat? Or found another creative way to guide your family toward its mission and vision? I'd love to hear what's worked for you.

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Is Your Family Culture Thriving or Just Surviving?

Every family has its way of solving problems, achieving goals, and staying connected. Like in business, family culture is either created by default—shaped by circumstances and the habits of its members—or built with intention.

There was a time when our busy schedule dictated the culture of our home. We often said, “Let’s just get through this week.” Our days felt frantic, always running late, always restless. And once we made it through one overwhelming week, another just like it was waiting around the corner.

We sincerely wanted to live well, but we felt stuck. Busyness defined us. We had great intentions but little follow-through, a calendar full of the “right things” but no real fulfillment or connection as a family.

A thriving family culture does not happen by accident. It must be built.

When left to chance, family culture tends to be mediocre—because people, especially children, naturally take the path of least resistance. As parents, we must decide what we want our family to look like and commit to shaping it with consistency and purpose.

When you build culture intentionally, you set your family up for success. You give your children a greater sense of belonging and the excitement of being part of something bigger than themselves.

We often hear, “It is what it is. There’s not much I can do to change things.” But that’s not true. As parents, we hold immense power in shaping the kind of life we live. If we don’t take control, our family’s culture will be created by default—without our input.

How do you cultivate the culture you want for your family?

The first step is to assess where you are. Ask yourself: Am I creating my family’s culture, or is it being created without me? If you’re unsure, this quick quiz can help.

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10-Second Family Culture Quiz

Answer Yes or No to the following:

Our family rarely spends quality time together.

We have so many individual interests that it’s hard to find things we all enjoy.

I have important values but don’t have time to focus on them—let alone include my family.

I feel powerless over my time and commitments.

Others often comment that our schedule is too packed.

Time is flying by, and my children don’t have the character I had hoped for.

I sometimes wonder if my kids, marriage, or family will be okay.

Everyone is doing their own thing, and I worry about staying connected.

We’re losing the battle against outside influences that don’t reflect our values.

I’m unsure what kind of legacy I’ll leave behind.

Your Results:

8-10 “Yes” Answers: What are you waiting for? It’s time to take back control of your family!

5-7 “Yes” Answers: With a few intentional changes, you can transform your family’s direction.

0-4 “Yes” Answers: Amazing! You’re on the right track—keep going!

A strong, healthy family culture isn’t built overnight. It takes daily, intentional effort—but it’s absolutely worth it. If we can do it, so can you.

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A healthy culture isn’t created overnight. It requires a daily investment of time but is definitely worth the effort. If we could do it then so can you!

How We Transformed Our Family Life with a Mission Statement

How We Transformed Our Family Life with a Mission Statement

A few years ago, my husband and I realized that our family life looked nothing like we had imagined. We were overscheduled, disconnected, and completely drained from the constant busyness. It became clear that if we wanted things to change, we needed to slow down, reassess our values, and bridge the gap between the life we were living and the life we truly wanted.

That's when we decided to write a family mission statement—a guiding framework to help us live with intention.

The Challenge: How Do You Write a Family Mission Statement?

While I found plenty of advice on why mission statements matter, I struggled to find practical guidance on creating one. So, my husband and I developed our own step-by-step process, which we later shared on Circles of Faith.

We set aside a few hours, grabbed oversized sheets of paper, markers, and pens—plus a warm cup of tea—and worked through our Mission Statement Discussion Sheet. We reflected on our values, passions, and the kind of life we wanted to build for our family.

But even after multiple discussions, something still felt incomplete. Our statement didn't fully capture what we wanted our family to be.

The Missing Piece: Family Culture

As I researched how well-known companies developed their mission statements, I kept running into the concept of culture—and why it was crucial to their success.

That's when it clicked: we weren't just defining a mission but shaping our family culture.

What Is Family Culture?

Culture is the heartbeat of any organization—including families. According to Wikipedia, organizational culture is "the behavior of humans within an organization and the meaning that people attach to those behaviors."

Think about it:

• Patagonia is known for its commitment to the environment.

• Google is known for innovation and a stimulating work culture.

• Chipotle is known for high-quality, ethically sourced ingredients.

Just like businesses, families develop a unique culture—a set of values, beliefs, and traditions passed down from generation to generation.

Your family culture shapes:

✔️ How you relate to one another

✔️ How you work together

✔️ How you navigate challenges and pursue goals

It's the DNA of your family, the foundation of "This is just how we do things."

Why Does Family Culture Matter?

Studies show that family culture plays a more significant role in shaping a child's development than parenting styles alone.

And here's the truth: Your family already has a culture. The question is—are you shaping it with intention?

👉 In the workplace, a strong culture keeps employees engaged.

👉 In a family, a strong culture fosters connection, belonging, and stability.

When life gets hectic (and it will), your family culture will anchor you and your children, keeping them grounded in shared values.

Want to Create Your Own Family Mission Statement? Here's How:

If you're ready to be intentional about shaping your family's culture, here's our suggestion:

✅ Set aside dedicated time with your spouse. No distractions—just focused conversation.

✅ Gather pen and paper. Take notes as you reflect and discuss.

✅ Reflect on your past together. Talk about your favorite childhood memories. Where did you spend most of your time—at home or a friend's? Why? What sights, sounds, and smells represent home to you?

✅ Consider what makes other homes feel welcoming. When you visit others, what makes you feel at ease? What do you always count on when you're with them?

✅ Determine what you want your family to be known for. You're already building a family culture—whether intentionally or not. Are the habits and values in place the ones you want to continue, or do you need to shift course?

✅ Brainstorm how to bring that culture to life. It may mean adjusting your schedule, realigning your priorities, or even rethinking how you spend money. The things you say yes and no to will shape your family's culture.

The insights from this process—our core values, passions, and priorities—became the foundation of our family mission statement. Just like a successful business, ministry, or organization, our mission statement, when adhered to, would cultivate the culture we desire.

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Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to listen to this episode of The Family Culture Project. Ep. 1 What is Culture and What Does it Have to Do with Families? (Now the Build Your Best Family podcast.)

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Want to start cultivating your family's culture? 

Download this free Family Culture Discussion Sheet. It includes questions that will allow you to explore who you are as a family and challenge you to dream about what you could be together.

Breaking Free from Default Culture: How to Intentionally Shape Your Family’s Traditions

When I first got married, I navigated life—solving problems, handling conflict, and structuring my days—based on what I had experienced growing up. Just as my parents passed culture down to me, I unintentionally passed it down to my family.

I was operating in a default culture—doing things simply because “that’s how I’ve always done it.” There wasn’t necessarily an issue with what I was doing, but rather why I was doing it that way. Was I being intentional, or was I following a script from my past?

Reflecting on Your Own Upbringing

To design a meaningful culture for your family, reflect on your childhood. Ask yourself:

• Where did you spend most of your time as a child? At home? With friends? Why?

• What are some of your favorite childhood traditions?

• What could you always count on growing up?

• What were you missing as a child or young adult?

This process might bring up difficult emotions, but the goal isn’t to dwell on regret. Instead, use this reflection to determine what’s worth keeping and what needs to be left behind.

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Get started today! Set aside dedicated time to discuss your family culture. To help, I’ve created a Family Culture Discussion Sheet with powerful reflection questions. DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE.

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Why This Matters for Your Family

When you examine your past, you can:

✅ Recognize the default culture shaping your life – Celebrate the good, but also identify what no longer serves you.

✅ Avoid unmet expectations that lead to conflict – I assumed my husband would act like my dad—home for dinner every night, working in the yard on weekends, planning vacations. When he didn’t, frustration built. Recognizing these differences helped us align our expectations.

✅ Create a foundation for success – Once you decide what to keep and what to change, you can be intentional about building traditions that serve your family.

You have the power to design your family culture—don’t let it be determined by default!

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Do you prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project. Episode 04 Past Present and Future Culture. (Now the Build Your Best Family podcast.)

Build Your Best Family Podcast: Create a Thriving Family Culture

When my husband, Carl, and I first got married, we had so many ideas of what family life would be like. We envisioned a welcoming home with an open-door policy, a family that loves and serves God together, and a simple life that prioritized relationships.

However, after moving to the suburbs, having a few kids, and investing in our careers, we discovered that the values, beliefs, and expectations we had for our family had gotten lost in the shuffle of modern-day life.

We found ourselves stuck in survival mode, barely getting through the week. We packed our schedules with school activities, sports, church, and volunteer commitments. These were all good things, but we felt like we didn't have control over the direction our family was heading.

We realized it was time to change the trajectory of our family.

Carl and I set out to create a mission statement to bridge the gap between the life we were living and the life we had hoped for. It turned out to be harder than we thought. After a few failed attempts, I began researching how successful companies created theirs.

That's when I discovered the power of culture and the role it plays in a thriving organization.

Along the way, I realized that the same principles that cause an organization's culture to flourish and succeed can help a family thrive.

That's why we created Build Your Best Family, a weekly podcast that empowers you to create a thriving family culture. Since January 2018, we've been having real, honest conversations with experts, leaders, and everyday people who are intentionally building families that reflect their values and beliefs. Sometimes, I'm joined by my good friend for special episodes called "Friends Talking Family."

You don't have to feel hopeless about the path your family is on. You can create a home culture that reflects your family's core values with thought and deliberate steps.

As a result, you'll be able to lead with purpose and passion and foster unity within your family. When it's time for your children to leave home, they will have a foundation of confidence and purpose that equips them to follow their personal mission and embrace who God has created them to be.

We want to be upfront with you—we don't have all the answers. However, we've both experienced intentional culture and default culture in business, ministry, and family. We've studied what makes some organizations succeed while others fail. Since we're right in the middle of raising our own kids, we're learning alongside you as we explore what it takes to build a family that thrives.

We can't promise you'll make all the right parenting choices, or your kids will never make mistakes. But we can promise that if you do the work to establish your values and beliefs—and translate them into behaviors that can be repeated and measured—you will build a family culture that anchors your home in what matters most.

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