How to Give Feedback That Will Strengthen Your Family, Not Harm it
Giving and receiving feedback requires humility, and it's a skill that takes some practice. Here a few ways we can give feedback will strengthen your family, not harm it.
As I mentioned last week, as a family, we do a 360 peer review, just like the ones in an organization, to build our family's culture. Giving and receiving feedback to one another in this way has had an incredibly positive impact on our family.
It has:
Created self-awareness
Given us insight into our strengths and weaknesses
Created accountability
Most importantly, it has created a culture of openness, one where we know that our voice matters.
Giving and receiving feedback requires humility, and it's a skill that takes some practice.
I mentioned this last week, but it's worth repeating, what we believe to be criticism, our brain tries to protect us from what it perceives as a threat. When that happens, it can be uncomfortable. We may get defensive, we may dismiss it, or outright refuse to believe it.
When that happens, no one is learning or growing. And we may be hurting our relationships rather than establishing trust and connecting.
There is a difference between correcting and criticizing others and giving feedback.
Criticism typically makes negative assumptions about the other person's motives. Feedback, however, generally avoids speculating on the other person's intent, focusing instead on the actual results of their behavior.
Criticism places blame, while feedback helps you move forward and grow.
When we give feedback in a loving way, rather than criticism, other people will be more likely to hear us out and take into consideration what we have to say.
As the leaders of your home, it’s not only important that you learn how to give good feedback, but for your kids to as well.
Here a few ways we can give feedback will strengthen your family, not harm it.
Be specific. Provide tangible examples of the behavior you're addressing. We generally respond better to a particular, positive direction. For example. don't say, "I don't like the way you load the dishwasher." Instead, say, " I would like you to group the utensils (forks with forks, spoons with spoons, etc.) so it's easier to put them away."
Be timely. When you give feedback, it matters. Do it more than just one time a year. Don't wait until your family retreat to provide positive or negative feedback to one another. Make it a regular part of your week or month. Plus, the closer you give feedback to the behavior in question (good or bad), the more effective it will be.
Focus on the behavior, not the person. When discussing a problem with performance, control your emotions. Avoid exaggerations and avoid statements like, "You always…", or "You never..." This allows you to have a kind heart and right motives. It shows you care. John Maxwell says, "People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude."
Both positive and negative. For us to develop and grow, we need to know what we are doing well, so we know to repeat it and further improve, as well as what we are doing less effectively so we can make adjustments. What evaluated improves.
As the leader in your home, you set the atmospheric of feedback. When you give feedback well, your spouse and your kids will begin to do it too.
Keep in mind, everything that you say should be true, but everything true shouldn't be said. So really be thoughtful about what you are saying.
Giving and receiving feedback in a healthy way will not only help build a strong family culture, but it will help you grow individually.
Are you wondering how you're doing in the area of giving feedback? Here are 2 questions you ask yourself.
Am I more interested in helping and fixing or blaming?
Am I talking more about the past rather than the future?
Are you interested in hosting your own retreat?
We’ve taken the guesswork out planning yours by creating the Family Retreat Packet. It’s guaranteed to save you time!
Our Family Retreat Packet includes sample itinerary, packing list, activity suggestions, discussion worksheets and much more!
Prefer listening to reading?
Check out this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> How Giving Feedback will Strengthen Your Family
Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.
How to Receive Feedback in a Way That Strengthens Your Family
Giving and receiving feedback is key to the growth and health of any culture, including your family's. However, we often avoid it because it's not always easy to do. It requires humility, plus I believe it is a skill that takes some practice. Here are a few things that will help you receive feedback in a way that strengthens your family.
Giving and receiving feedback is key to the growth and health of any culture, including your family's. However, we often avoid it because it's not always easy to do. It requires humility, plus I believe it is a skill that takes some practice.
I've talked before about our family's annual 360 peer review here and here. The questions we ask are similar to those that organizations ask as a part of their employee reviews. It allows us to reflect on how we were doing personally and as a family. Our conversations aren't always easy, but the feedback we get is priceless.
Honestly, I don't always want to hear what people have to say about me; however, without honest and timely feedback, our personal and family growth is limited. When done correctly, giving and receiving feedback will not harm your family but strengthen it.
We know from experience that giving and receiving feedback isn't always easy.
For many of us, when we receive feedback, or what we believe to be criticism, our brain tries to protect us from what it perceives as a threat. When that happens, it can be uncomfortable. We may get defensive, we may dismiss it, or outright refuse to believe it.
When we react this way, the people in our family don't feel heard or valued. However, if you welcome feedback and know how to receive it, we can use it to create a culture that fosters the growth of individuals and the family as a whole.
We need feedback from others because, without it, it's hard to tell if you're succeeding or how you can improve.
Plus, receiving and acting on feedback eliminates our blind spots. Whether we'd like to admit it or not, we all have them.
The first time we asked our kids for feedback, we expected most of what we heard. For example, everyone agreed we wanted to bicker less and be on time. Our kids shocked us when they said, "Push me to learn and manage my time better." "Be more strict [to help me meet my goals]." and "Tell me to practice more." Yikes! I thought I was helping them by taking it easy in these areas, but they needed support I wasn't giving.
Because when we were open to hearing what our kids had to say, we were able to put together a plan to make positive changes, ones that would benefit everyone.
If you receive feedback that is less than glowing, it does not mean you are a terrible parent. So don't let the fear of this stop you from hearing what others have to say.
The most successful leaders receive input from others so they can improve. I believe that as parents, we should be doing the same.
Andy Stanley says, "Leaders that don't listen to others will eventually be surrounded by people that have nothing to say." The last things we want is for our kids to clam up and not talk to us about how we can love and serve them better.
Here are a few things that will help you receive feedback in a way that strengthens your family.
Change what you think about it. Receiving feedback is not a negative thing. It provides an opportunity to grow and improve. When you change the way you think about it, you will change the way you feel about it. You will no longer dread it, but crave it and eventually embrace it.
Separate the do from the who. The feedback you receive is about what you do, not who you are. When you take it as a personal attack, it's hard to learn from it.
Ask clarifying questions. General questions in response to feedback rarely lead to growth. Consider asking, "What's one thing I could improve in this area?" Avoid asking questions that are likely to result in "yes" or "no" answers. Ask questions that begin with 'how' or 'what'. Often, the best and most straightforward response is, "Tell me more."
Invite feedback often. The best way to get comfortable with getting feedback from others is to ask for it regularly and when you get it listen well. Don't wait until things go terribly wrong before you are open to what others have to say. Make it an ongoing practice.
Feedback is excellent not just on the back end of a project, vacation, or change in circumstances, but on the front end as well.
Also, take notice of the areas you get defensive or push back on. These areas may be precisely where you need the feedback the most.
Without honest and timely feedback, your personal and family growth is limited.
If you would like to improve in the area of receiving feedback, ask yourself:
"On a scale of 1-10, how strong am I at receiving feedback?
Then commit to improving that. Also, ask one person you trust, "If you had to make one suggestion for improvement, what would they be?"
Are you interested in hosting your own retreat?
We’ve taken the guesswork out planning yours by creating the Family Retreat Packet. It’s guaranteed to save you time!
Our Family Retreat Packet includes sample itinerary, packing list, activity suggestions, discussion worksheets and much more!
Prefer listening to reading?
Check out this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> How Receiving Feedback will Strengthen Your Family
Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.
How Connecting with Your People Will Help You Succeed
In this hectic world we live in, we often only have the time and energy to correct our kids, discuss to-dos, and make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there. We are juggling home life, work, marriage, schedules. It's no wonder we barely have time for connection.
In this hectic world we live in, we often only have the time and energy to correct our kids, discuss to-dos, and make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there. We are juggling home life, work, marriage, schedules. It's no wonder we barely have time for connection.
You might think going about our business without slowing down to connect would help us get more done and make us more efficient, but in fact, it does not.
One day one of my kids can home for school in a bad mood. They were unkind to their siblings and short-tempered while doing their homework. I asked them to clean up their snack, and they acted like they didn't hear me
At that moment, I had a choice to make. I could freak out and punish them, or I could take a moment to connect with them and get to the bottom of what was going on. Thankfully I was having a good day, and I chose the latter. I took a deep breath and said, "Hey, what's going on? Did something happen at school today?"
They opened up and told me that something indeed happened on the playground that day.
Because I was able to slow down and connect with my kiddo, I saw a shift in my child's demeanor. They had more patience for themselves, were able to finish their homework without losing their cool. Not only that, they cleaned up as I asked.
We build connections and take steps towards our desired outcome when we take the time to see and hear others, become concerned for one another, and come alongside each other in our everyday.
Here are a few ways you can connect with your people:
Ask questions. Don't assume you always know what's going on or what another person is feeling. Slow down and listen. Ask open-ended questions.
Show empathy. Recognize how the other person feels and understand their point of view is important to them.
Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you once they feel heard.
We all yearn for connection — with our kids, spouses, parents, siblings, and friends. We weren't created to be robots going about our day in the most efficient way possible. We were meant to do this life WITH our people.
My conversation with Brian Dixon on The Family Culture Project podcast that I would, in fact, have a more significant impact as a wife, mother, friend when I connect with my people.
Brian had a habit, both in his business and his family, of putting projects before people. Then he had a unique experience that showed him that this thing that he thought made him successful might be the very thing that was holding him back from the success at work and home. He writes about it in his new book Start with Your People.
As he began to master the art of connection, he saw exponential growth personally and professionally.
As you read this post or listen to this interview, think about the people in your life that you would like to connect with and decide on one way you can begin to do that today!
Listen to my interview with Brian Dixon on The Family Culture Project podcast here >> Ep. 64 Brian Dixon and Why Connecting with Your People Matters
Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.
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How to Listen Well
Most of us have had the unfortunate experience of talking to someone that is clearly not listening. The person you are speaking with may be nodding their head, but mentally they are somewhere else. Despite our attempts to justify our friend’s preoccupation or lack of interest it still hurts.
What does it look like to listen to one another in a way that makes us feel heard and fully seen?
Most of us have had the unfortunate experience of talking to someone that is clearly not listening. The person you are speaking with may be nodding their head, but mentally they are somewhere else. Despite our attempts to justify our friend’s preoccupation or lack of interest it still hurts.
Not only have I talked with people who are bad listeners but I I have been one as well. Sometimes I get distracted. I may think I’m listening to the other person, but I’m not giving them my full attention. This happens especially in the evening with my family when I am trying to get dinner ready or am tidying the house. Other times, when I am with friends I’ve let my phone, other people in the room, or what I am going to say next prevent me from paying attention.
What does it look like to listen to one another in a way that makes us feel heard and fully seen?
Obviously being present is not enough. A good listener listens with their heart, their eyes, and their body language. When they do, others feel safe and can relax and share honestly. This is a tremendous gift we can give each other.
I first heard about active listening in March of 2016 at the Circles of Faith event we hosted called Your Story, Your Influence. The purpose of the event was to walk the attendees through discovering and telling their stories. To equip us for the process, Susanne Ciancio spoke about the difference between terrible listening and good listening and how we can listen well to others.
Here’s what I learned:
Examples of bad listening:
Interrupting - This is the worse communication habit ever. When we interrupt people, we are telling them the conversation is all about us. Don’t be fooled by thinking, “I just have to say this now, or I'll forget.” If it’s essential to the conversation, you’ll remember it later.
Advising - Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer. Sometimes people just want to express their frustrations or feelings, but we’re quick to jump in to fix it. Wait to be asked before you give advice. The person you are speaking with will be much more appreciative of your wisdom when you do.
Over relating - It makes us feel connected when we can relate to a friend’s story, however highjacking the conversation to let them know you know exactly what they are talking about is rude. It’s okay to wait until they are done speaking to tell them you’ve had a similar experience.
Anticipating - Instead of listening we may be formulating our next sentence, rebuttal, or response. Thinking about what you're going to say next prevents us from being in tune with the other person because in our mind we have shifted the focus off them and onto us.
Ways to listen well:
Give eye contact. This might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth doing. When you keep eye contact with the person, who is talking it indicates that you are focused and paying attention. If possible, don’t look over their shoulder to see what else is going on around you.
Use body posture. Sit up straight, with your shoulders squared to the speaker. Lean into the conversation when needed.
Make facial expressions. Nod occasionally and smile. Mirroring the different expressions of the speaker shows sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.
Eliminate distractions. Put phones, books, and iPads away when talking with someone. Social media and texts can wait.
Once you’re done listening, you can ask questions to further the conversation.
Examples of active listening questions are:
“Can you tell me more about…”
“I heard you say....could you tell me more?”
“What struck me about your story was…”
“How did you come out of that?”
Keep in mind, most conversations with a co-worker, friend, or family member requires social skills. It’s meant to be a back and forth exchange.
Even though these steps may be obvious, for many, myself included, they are often forgotten. However, with a bit of intentionality and practice, these practices will become second hand. The people in our life will no longer wonder if we are paying attention or care about what matters to them.
Listening well is the way we can make others feel heard and fully seen.
For more on the topic listen to:
Episode 62 Susanne Ciancio on How to be a Good Listener
Join Elise Daly Parker and I as we talk with Licensed Professional Christian Counselor, Susanne Ciancio about the difference between listening and hearing and how we can better listen to the people in our lives.