How to Give Feedback That Will Strengthen Your Family, Not Harm it
As I mentioned last week, as a family, we do a 360 peer review, just like the ones in an organization, to build our family's culture. Giving and receiving feedback to one another in this way has had an incredibly positive impact on our family.
It has:
Created self-awareness
Given us insight into our strengths and weaknesses
Created accountability
Most importantly, it has created a culture of openness, one where we know that our voice matters.
Giving and receiving feedback requires humility, and it's a skill that takes some practice.
I mentioned this last week, but it's worth repeating, what we believe to be criticism, our brain tries to protect us from what it perceives as a threat. When that happens, it can be uncomfortable. We may get defensive, we may dismiss it, or outright refuse to believe it.
When that happens, no one is learning or growing. And we may be hurting our relationships rather than establishing trust and connecting.
There is a difference between correcting and criticizing others and giving feedback.
Criticism typically makes negative assumptions about the other person's motives. Feedback, however, generally avoids speculating on the other person's intent, focusing instead on the actual results of their behavior.
Criticism places blame, while feedback helps you move forward and grow.
When we give feedback in a loving way, rather than criticism, other people will be more likely to hear us out and take into consideration what we have to say.
As the leaders of your home, it’s not only important that you learn how to give good feedback, but for your kids to as well.
Here a few ways we can give feedback will strengthen your family, not harm it.
Be specific. Provide tangible examples of the behavior you're addressing. We generally respond better to a particular, positive direction. For example. don't say, "I don't like the way you load the dishwasher." Instead, say, " I would like you to group the utensils (forks with forks, spoons with spoons, etc.) so it's easier to put them away."
Be timely. When you give feedback, it matters. Do it more than just one time a year. Don't wait until your family retreat to provide positive or negative feedback to one another. Make it a regular part of your week or month. Plus, the closer you give feedback to the behavior in question (good or bad), the more effective it will be.
Focus on the behavior, not the person. When discussing a problem with performance, control your emotions. Avoid exaggerations and avoid statements like, "You always…", or "You never..." This allows you to have a kind heart and right motives. It shows you care. John Maxwell says, "People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude."
Both positive and negative. For us to develop and grow, we need to know what we are doing well, so we know to repeat it and further improve, as well as what we are doing less effectively so we can make adjustments. What evaluated improves.
As the leader in your home, you set the atmospheric of feedback. When you give feedback well, your spouse and your kids will begin to do it too.
Keep in mind, everything that you say should be true, but everything true shouldn't be said. So really be thoughtful about what you are saying.
Giving and receiving feedback in a healthy way will not only help build a strong family culture, but it will help you grow individually.
Are you wondering how you're doing in the area of giving feedback? Here are 2 questions you ask yourself.
Am I more interested in helping and fixing or blaming?
Am I talking more about the past rather than the future?
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Prefer listening to reading?
Check out this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> How Giving Feedback will Strengthen Your Family
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