How to Prevent Jealousy Among Siblings
Envy and jealousy are common responses to the human tendency to compare ourselves to others. But when left unchecked, when we allow them to fester and hold onto them, these feelings can cause problems within our families. If left to grow over a long time, they can cause sibling rivalries and broken relationships that continue into adulthood.
When I think about my future family, I know that is not what I want for them. Nor do I want family gatherings to be at the mercy of who's not talking to who. Everyone loses when that happens.
In our home, jealousy usually manifests itself in sibling conflict, bickering and fighting, rejecting us, disobeying us, and being rebellious.
Eliminating jealousy within a family will create more peace and unity.
And who doesn't want that?
As parents, we are responsible for creating culture in our home.
We can do a few things to prevent this culture of competition and jealousy from taking root.
I did a little research, and I found that there was a difference between envy and jealousy. The two words are often interchanged, but they are different.
Envy happens when we wish we had something that someone else has, like talents, connections, or other resources. On the other hand, jealousy occurs when we are afraid of losing a significant relationship, such as with a parent, sibling, or friend. Jealousy also appears with the fear of losing the status you once had in a relationship. The most common example of this is when a new sibling joins the family.
This distinction provided so much clarity for me. Jealousy is
Rooted in fear
All about relationships
When we understand this, we can prevent it and better respond to it in our families.
We can create an environment in our home that fosters secure relationships with our kids and us and our kids with each other.
If we want to prevent jealousy within our family, there are two things we shouldn't do. I don't think you will be surprised by either of them. However, they are worth mentioning because they are easy to do if we are not careful.
Don't compare your kids to each other. There is a natural tendency to do this, but it doesn't produce the unity we want in our families. Each of your children has unique gifts and talents. They're not carbon copies of one another. And even if they did have similar attributes, they will express and live them out differently.
If we consistently compare one child to another, it will hurt them. They'll start to believe lies about themselves, causing them to take it out on their siblings, quit something they love, or even develop an attitude of superiority or pride.
Sometimes comparison shows up in how we label your kids. I'm not talking about the ones God gives us, like, loved, cherished, more than a conqueror, or fearfully and wonderfully made. I am referring to the pretty one vs. the smart one, athletic vs. clumsy, or shy vs. outgoing.
As adults, we don't want to be boxed in and limited by labels, so let's not do it to our kids.
Don't play favorites. There will be seasons where you will be closer to one of your children than others because of availability or proximity. Or you may have a child that is easier to get along with others. That's natural. However, If allowed to stay that way for too long, the child not receiving as much attention may feel hurt and acting out.
There are five things that we can do to prevent jealousy in our kids.
Keep in mind that jealousy is the fear of losing a relationship.
Parent to your child's unique personality. Gary Chapman wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively.
The basic premise of the book is that there are five ways each person gives and receives love. They are quality time, words of affirmation, touch, gifts, and acts of service. We often show love to our friends, spouse, and kids in a way that comes naturally to us and forget that that's not the way that they receive love.
When we can identify our child's love language and speak it, they will feel loved.
When your kids are young, speak all the languages to them. As they get older, you'll begin to see one of them become more prominent. If you still can't figure it out, ask them.
The answer will allow you to customize how you love, work with, and even discipline our children.
Cultivate a one on one relationship with each of your children. When my kids were young, I hung out with all three of them all the time. It was fun, but I realized I was developing a relationship with them as a group and not as individuals. Soon they began competing for my time and attention. As a young mom of three, I struggled to give them what they needed.
That all changed when I started taking my kids out to a monthly lunch. I'd go to their school, sign them out, we'd go to lunch, and then I'd bring them back. It became a time when they could count on having me all to themselves.
Our monthly lunches became non-negotiable and have been pivotal in developing a relationship with each of my children.
When we develop one-on-one relationships, we affirm our love for them and their value and worth.
As our relationships deepened, my kids were less likely to worry about their siblings and become jealous of them.
Allow the kids to work together. Practiced teamwork creates a culture that says, "we're all in this together." Kids see that they are part of something bigger than themselves and an integral part of the family.
When we host family get-togethers, each of our children has a job to do. Everyone pitches in, everyone has a part to play. Shared participation and responsibility are great for family projects and outdoor chores too.
Be on the lookout for things that your kids can do together, even if the job doesn't require it. Collaboration helps build their relationship with one another.
Foster open communication. It's essential to provide a place for everyone's voice to be heard. Consistent conversations where kids are encouraged to express themselves establish security and trust.
In our home, weekly family meetings and our yearly family retreat allow everyone to share their thoughts and provide feedback. Our kids get the opportunity to share with us what activities they'd like to do, what food they want to eat, and even what they think is working and not working n our family.
Create systems and standards for your family. I love systems and standards because they eliminate decision fatigue and the tendency to favor one child or another.
When my kids were young, I struggled with knowing when to buy things for them. Every time we went to the store, they'd asked for something. I often decide what to purchase based on how I was feeling or who I was getting along with. This practice created a pattern of favoritism or at least the perception of it.
That all changed when we put a system in place and decided ahead of time how much we would spend on our kids, what we were willing to pay for and what they were responsible for buying with money they earned.
Once the system was in place, there was no question about whether our choices were fair.
We are never going to eliminate all feelings of jealousy. But now that you understand what jealousy is, fear of losing a meaningful relationship, you'll be able to identify it and make some changes.