When You and Your Friend Have Different Parenting Styles

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I thought we had everything in common until we became parents.

I potty trained my kids before they were two years old. She waited until hers were three. I pushed my little ones around in a stroller, and she almost always wore hers in a sling. I prefer that my kids don’t eat processed food, but she feeds hers anything that’s easy.

In the beginning, the strain on our relationship was slight. But, as our kids got older, our differences became more apparent, and the tension between us grew.

It didn't take long for me to realize that one’s parenting style can wreak havoc on even the closest of friendships. That’s because the choices we make as parents are rooted in our values, character, and upbringing. As we incorporate them into our every day, they become apart of our family culture. So, it’s difficult not to take it personally when a friend makes a snarky comment about the fact that you just binge watched Parks and Recreation with our kids.

Attachment parents disagree with the free-range parents while strict moms seem to have nothing in common with the laid-back moms. Then there are spiritual and religious parents, parents that co-sleep and parents that sleep train. Chances are you can identify with one of these styles while a good friend embodies another.

Naturally, we gravitate towards people who are like-minded because they validate our own choices. However, we don’t have to believe our friend’s decisions are wrong to have confidence in our own.

Your differences don’t have to ruin your relationship!  

No matter how drastically different your methods are, keep in mind that you and your friend have the same intention, you’re both trying to be a good mom.

There are NO set rules for parenting. Your friend’s unique family culture is rooted in their values, passions, and experiences. Many times the choices they make are not theirs alone but shared by their spouse and chosen for a particular reason. As a friend, it’s your job to show respect for those choices.

There may be more to her story than you know. If your friend’s choices seem haphazard and inconsistent, it might be because parenting was nothing like she expected, she’s exhausted and doesn't have the patience to do things any other way. The best thing you can do is come alongside her and walk with her in struggles.

One of the best things you can do is offer your opinion only when asked. This applies to any relationship. Many times your friends aren’t looking for advice but instead, someone to listen.

Take it a step further and ask lots of questions. Many factors can go into why a person parents in a particular way. By learning more about why your friend chose their styles and methods, you’ll understand them better and as a result, deepen your relationship. Hopefully, you’ll come to respect that she does things her way, and you do things yours. You may also be challenged to take a look at your own choices and ask yourself why you made the specific decisions you did.

If all else fails, maybe it's time to get together without your kids. It will diffuse tension and remind you why you became friends in the first place. And if it's a new mom friend, this will give you the opportunity to discover whether the relationship is worth pursuing outside of school activities and playdates.

It took humility for me to get over the fact that my friend’s choices for her little ones were different than mine. I realized that if her parenting style made me angry or less confident in my own then maybe it was time for me to take a look at why I felt that way. Once I stopped thinking so much about myself, I became less offended and was able to enjoy our friendship.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs many of us will ever have. Whether it's being a mother or being a friend, we can all use more encouragement and less judgment. So, let’s cheer each other on, so we can have the confidence in our friendship but also in our parenting styles, even if they are different.

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This post was originally shared on Friending - a podcast about friendships. 

Episode 3 of Season 3 - “When You and Your Friend Don’t Parent the Same”

In this episode, Noelle Rhodes discusses what to do when you and a friend don’t parent the same. How do you navigate conflicting parenting styles and still preserve the friendship? This week’s guest is the amazing Clare Hooper along with me!

This is a good episode ... at times a little brutally honest... but a good one!

Subscribe to Friending in iTunes

How to Start a Cooking Club plus Connecting with Your Child and Mentoring Others

One of the best ways I have found to connect with my kids is to embrace the things they love and participate with them in it.

I got lucky with my oldest daughter, she loves to cook. She binge watches the Food Network, goes to culinary camp, and likes to experiment with food. We cook at home together, but at times it’s sporadic because of our busy school and sports schedule. I realized that If I truly wanted to connect with my daughter and cultivate the talents she had, I needed to set aside a consistent time for her to explore her passion. So, when she was 10 years old, I started a cooking club for her and a few girls in our neighborhood.

I knew it would be a fun way to enjoy time with my daughter but I didn’t realize it would also be a great way to connect with her friends. I have known many of these girls since kindergarten, however, the cooking club has provided a unique opportunity to mentor them as well. I discovered...

You don’t need to be in ministry or have an official title to invest in the next generation. << Click to Tweet

For me, mentoring looks like teaching a group of teens how to crack an egg, sift flour, and emulsify ingredients. Each time I interact with these girls I have the opportunity to encourage them and influence them in a positive way. 

If you think starting a cooking club sounds like a great idea, check out these tips that will help get you started:

Invite kids to participate. The number of girls will depend on what you are making and how hands-on you want to be as a host. We started out with a total of 6 girls. With two girls to a “team”, we made three items: specialty drink, appetizer, entrée, side dish, or dessert. As the girls became more independent, we added an additional food item and two more to the group. 

Choose a regularly scheduled time. Keep it simple and pick the same day and time each month. At first, we tried to accommodate everybody’s schedule month by month. Eventually, it became confusing and sometimes we had to skip a month because we had trouble resolving schedule conflicts. 

Decide on a budget. It’s important to know how much you are willing to spend each month. My daughter would choose seafood and filet mignon every month if I allowed her, but when you’re cooking for a large group it can get expensive fast. You can choose whether to pay for the groceries yourself, charge monthly dues, have members bring ingredients, or take donations.

Choose meals that fit the children's age and ability. Start off with simple recipes in the beginning. Many of the girls in our group never cooked before joining our club. In the beginning, we chose recipes that required only basic culinary skills. My daughter and I taught them how to chop, dice, and properly measure ingredients. Now that the group has been together for three years, we moved on to more complex recipes that require reducing liquids and blanching vegetables. Ask about allergies before choosing the meals.

Read through recipes and create a timeline. Once you have chosen the meals make sure you have time to make everything. Don't pick recipes that need to be marinated or chilled overnight. Also, not every recipe takes the same amount of time to cook so plan accordingly. 

Set up individual stations ahead of time. Stations should include a copy of the recipe with pots, pans, utensils, and ingredients that are needed.

Confiscate phones. It’s important to be fully present essential when working with flames, hot surfaces, and knives. Our girls place their phone in a bucket as soon as they arrive. I was hesitant ask this at first, but the no one seemed to mind, now it’s routine. The only time they're allowed to use their phone is to set a timer and take pictures.

Have fun! I often find myself just running around behind the girls cleaning up. Other times I walk them through recipes teaching them tips and tricks.  

Eat together. The best part of the evening is sitting down with these young people and as they enjoy the results of their hard work. I have been tempted to hang back in the kitchen to clean up or sit somewhere else to eat. However, I realized eating together was the perfect opportunity to talk with these girls about school, favorite subjects, and sports. As our relationship has deepened we've begun to talk about the pressures they deal with at school and their relationships.

Whether you are looking for something fun to do with your child or desire a way to invest into the next generation, a cooking club is a great place to start. If cooking is not your thing, that’s ok. There are many other ways to connect with your child. Take time to discover your child’s passions and let them lead the way. 

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For more on mentoring, check out:

• Episode 018 of the Slices of Life podcast Elisa Pulliam and Biblical Mentoring
• Impact Together: Biblical Mentoring Simplified by Elisa Pulliam
• 100 Questions for Mentors
• Mentoring 101 by John C. Maxwell